


i don't know where to put my hands

by anotherdirtycomputer



Category: Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Asexuality, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Healthy Relationships, Internalized Acephobia, Kissing, M/M, Misunderstandings, ace tommy shepherd, and hates talking about his emotions, him being trans isnt mentioned i just really like trans tommy, no consent issues - discussions of consent, no hanky panky, tommy is a dummy that really likes smooching, trans tommy shepherd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 16:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16287791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherdirtycomputer/pseuds/anotherdirtycomputer
Summary: Tommy Shepherd is a man made of fear and held together by love.He is also an idiot.Or; a story about all those times Tommy was too afraid to be honest with the man he loves, and what comes after.





	i don't know where to put my hands

**Author's Note:**

> 3k!!! wow thats quite impressive considering my usual wordcount... i dare say im proud.
> 
> disclaimer: this is all based off of my own personal feelings towards my asexuality, and may vary from person to person. tommy also says some things about himself in this fic that simply are not true, so please keep mindful.
> 
> the audience for this is small for sure, but i hope you all enjoy!! happy reading ♡
> 
> (i'll do my best to fix any mistakes or formatting issues as i notice them)

They’ve just come home from the movies when it happens for the first time.

Tommy feels small in a good way, pushed under David’s careful weight into the soft bedding. David’s kissing him long and slow, pressing their noses together in a way that makes him laugh, running a hand under Tommy’s shirt to rub his thumb in a soft arch over Tommy’s skin. They’ve only been laying here like this for a little while, had fallen into bed giggly and giddy after a good walk home. The weather out had been nice -- not too cold, but just cool enough to give them a little burst of energy, enough to make David’s warm hands feel that much better against his skin.

David bites Tommy’s bottom lip, gently, their mouths still touching, and Tommy opens his eyes (just barely) in surprise. Before Tommy can say anything to tease him or even ask about it, David presses another kiss roughly against the corner of Tommy’s open mouth. Then he keeps traveling down, lips too hot against Tommy’s tense jaw.. Tommy breathes nervously as his boyfriend leaves kisses all the way down to the spot just beneath his ear, biting at the skin there.

Tommy swallows, hard. “Um. David?” He’s surprised by how small his voice sounds. Intimate.

David ‘hm’s, and it sounds very loud next to Tommy’s ear. “Yes, Tommy?” He moves his kisses downward, burning Tommy’s neck.

“David,” he tries again, a little less of a question this time. His tongue feels useless, his head feels light and wonderful, but his gut feels cold and anxious.

And then David is right there, his face hovering over him, noses nearly touching. He still looks warm and handsome, his eyes half-lidded and adoring. “What’s wrong?”

Having David look at him like that made Tommy feel… safe, beautiful, loved, and uncomfortable. “I-” He swallows again. His voice feels trapped and comes in a careful whisper. “I don’t want to go too far.”

“Oh.” David blinks, and then smiles, and he looks a little more like his usual self. The knots in Tommy’s gut slowly begin to unravel. “That’s okay. We don’t have to do anything more than you’re comfortable with.”

“Good,” Tommy sighs out in relief, and forces a brave grin, feeling guilt guilt guilt. “Because I really like kissing you.”

The rest of the evening goes by very well, if Tommy is to say so. David is happy, at least, and the warmth in his eyes is enough to get lost in, for just a little while.

-

It happens again like that when they’re visiting Teddy and Billy in their new place.

Finally, _finally,_ the boys had managed to get enough together to move out of the Kaplans’ house, with some help from the Kaplans themselves and even a bit from the team. The problem wasn’t necessarily about money -- it played a part, sure, but Tommy thinks they simply never had the time to hunt for a place to stay.

Plus, domestic fools they are, they’d wanted to get a _house_ together. Like, a real, proper house. It blew Tommy’s mind to imagine living in a house. He’d liked his apartment just fine, when he lived there, and he nowadays he likes living in David’s a whole lot more (although, that’s largely due to the company). It wouldn’t have taken nearly as long for the boys to get their own place if they’d just let the Altman-Kaplan residence be an apartment, Tommy thinks. And it wouldn’t be as hard to move everything in.

They’ve already gotten a good amount of new furniture moved into the house -- two matching recliners and a loveseat (a loveseat!), with a matching rug for the snug living room, a large bed for a comfortably small room, way too many (yet not quite enough) kitchen appliances, plus some extra boxes of whatever -- but they still aren’t close to being done.

At least, Tommy supposes, we don’t have as much work as Bill and Ted. They’re the ones that have to actually put everything else where it goes.

The work is a lot easier with the entire team here, and it’s kind of nice, too, to be around everyone. It feels like a real family, everyone arguing over the best placement of the loveseat, congratulating the boys for finally getting a house while teasing them for taking so long… When David comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around Tommy’s middle and laying his chin on Tommy’s white hair, it feels even more like family.

Tommy glances upward, even though he can’t see David from his place behind him. “Hey, you.”

“Hey, you.” David leans close and kisses his cheek in reply, grinning when Tommy laughs in surprise. “I liked watching you carry that.” He gestures to the dining table that Tommy had just finished bringing in. Teddy had put up an adorable fuss about wanting to carry it himself, so when everyone decided to take a break, Tommy snuck it in himself to avoid the hassle. David continues, “I always forget how strong you are.”

Tommy turns in his arms and uses that strength to pull David down for a good, proper smooch. “One of the many joys of my mutation. I’m fast, strong, _and_ hot.”

Laughing breathlessly, David agrees, “And I’m just smart enough to convince you to date me.”

Tommy wraps his arms around David’s neck. “Or maybe I’m just smart enough to know a catch when I see one.” They kiss again, tender and sweet. Tommy sighs into it, closing his eyes and melting easily into David’s embrace. “I’m so lucky.”

“Hm,” They sway a little, side-to-side, warm and happy and feeling at home. “Maybe we both are, then.”

When Tommy opens his eyes again, David is staring at him, his own dark brown eyes bright and full of love. He takes a step closer to David, pressing their bodies together, feeling loved in that perfect way David always manages to make him feel, even as his own chest nearly aches with how much he cares for David in return.

David takes this step forward to mean something else.

He runs his hands down Tommy’s sides, pressing their mouths together in an open-mouthed kiss. It takes only a second for Tommy to remember that everyone else is outside, taking a breather, enjoying the cool air. The idea of being caught still makes him nervous. David’s hands move down further still, back around to grab Tommy’s ass.

“Oh!” Tommy bites his lip in embarrassment at the noise, doing his best not to recoil. “Um.”

“Is this okay?” David’s mouth is at his ear now, and Tommy shivers for a different reason.

“No- I mean,” Tommy swallows. “Idon’tthinkIwant- ButIstill-…”

David pulls away to look him in the eye again, only this time his eyes are searching and worried. When David’s hands leave his bum, Tommy relaxes almost instantly. They don’t step very far away from each other, but the distance is still palpable to Tommy. The guilt wells up again, thick.

“I’m so sorry, David, I just don’t think I…” He trails off. How is he supposed to explain what he’s feeling? And to say it here, in his brothers’ new house… It’s wrong. Everything about this is all wrong.

But, David smiles anyways, small as it is, and levels Tommy with an otherwise serious expression. “It’s _okay_ , Tom. Really. You don’t have to be sorry for saying ‘no’, not ever.” He leans forward just a little, being (too) mindful of Tommy’s space. “We go at our pace. And right now, _our pace_ means your pace. Even with things like butt-touching.” And then David is smiling, his eyes alight with laughter.

Tommy doesn’t have the heart to tell him his pace means standing still, not when those brown eyes are looking at him with that much sweetness. “Alright… And,” He swallows around the familiar ache in his chest, put there by fear and guilt, and pulls his lips sideways in what he hopes resembles a smile. “Thanks, David.”

David seems to tell that Tommy is upset, regardless, and gives him a break. He asks, kindly, “Can I hold your hand?” and when Tommy says yes, begins leading him away from the entire situation of the dining room and out of the house towards the sounds of comfortable chatter.

They join the others on the porch, drinking warm beer together and celebrating this new beginning for Billy and Teddy. And Tommy gets to forget that missing piece of himself, focusing only on Eli’s low laugh, Kate’s snail-fast speech, David’s hand still in his. Just for a little while.

-

David can tell that something is wrong. Tommy is sure of it. It’s happened a few more times, while kissing or cuddling or leaning on each other, where Tommy seems to accidentally initiate something more against all attempts not to, and David is patient when he pulls away again. He doesn’t know how to tell David _I just like being close to you_ … Or maybe he does, and he’s just too much of a coward to say so.

It’s just happened again, while they were laying in bed, Tommy’s hand drawing circles against David’s bare chest, his mouth hot and wet against David’s, exchanging kiss after kiss, sighing in perfect contentment. Then, he’d brought his leg up in-between David’s, to pull himself closer and feel David’s warm skin against his own. What he felt was a bit more than just warm skin -- and although David’s answering moan was very flattering, it nearly made Tommy jump out of his skin.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy had began, but David had shook his head quickly.

“It’s alright,” His sigh had sounded a little frustrated to Tommy, but he hadn’t for a moment tried to make it Tommy’s problem. He’d smoothed a hand through Tommy’s hair, then done his best to move away without any excess touching. “Just give me a minute and I’ll be right back.”

He’d gone off to the bathroom, and is still in there.

Tommy’s sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees and head in his hands, sighing. It’s not like he doesn’t care about David (he’s never loved anyone the way he loves David), but he still just… can’t do it. He’s been hoping that maybe it would be different with him, this perfect and wonderful man who _loves him_. He tells himself nightly, listening to David’s soft snoring, that he could just suck it up and do it for David’s sake. Or, he could stop being an idiot and just tell David the truth.

He hasn’t been able to say a word about it beyond what sounds to David like “not yet”. Tommy has had this conversation in his mind over and over, “I can’t”, “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you”, “You’re beautiful”, but none of it seems to make sense. None of it feels like it’s _good enough_ , and he’s beginning to think letting David strip him down and have his way with him really is the better option.

But, just the thought makes his skin crawl, and then feel cold from the inside-out with guilt. What kind of a partner is he, that he’s so repulsed by the idea of making David happy for once?

No, Tommy thinks, that’s not fair, not to either of them. David is kind, loving, and patient. He’s made it obvious that sex takes backstage to Tommy’s comfort.

And Tommy isn’t a bad partner, either, not by a longshot. He does everything he can to make sure David’s life is easy, whether that be doing all the cleaning up in the house, even the stuff that they’ve decided is David’s work, or reminding David to step away from his job or his studying to eat, drink, and relax, or his personal favorite of massaging David’s back until he’s a perfectly relaxed, sleepy puddle. He always picks up extra foods David likes from the store, even when the money is a little tight. He holds David when he cries, listens when David is angry, stands by David in everything he does. Tommy would do anything in his power to make David smile. The fact that he’s asexual doesn’t take away from any of that.

At least, it shouldn’t. But Tommy can’t stop over-thinking what that sigh meant, can’t stop hearing David say ‘when you’re ready’ over and over in his head. Was David angry when he sighed like that? Is he angry when Tommy can’t just bring himself to say ‘yes’? Would he be angry when he learned the reason _why_ Tommy refused him time and time again? Would he look at Tommy with those warm, familiar eyes, and say, “I can’t be with you anymore”? It doesn’t seem like David, sure, but it would be well within his rights, and he deserves someone who could make love the way normal people do - or at least, someone who could just shut up and get railed.

Tommy rubs at his wet, stinging eyes, choking back an angry sob. Stupid stupid stupid. _It’s your own fault_ , Tommy thinks. He rushes to pull himself together and stop crying, stop _fucking crying_ , but he fails more than he succeeds.

“Baby?” And then David is rushing towards him, the bed dipping under his weight when he sits. “Tommy, why are you crying?”

Tommy barks out a wet, sarcastic laugh, swiping his tears away in frustration. Great timing as always, Shepherd. Leave it to him to start crying the minute David finishes up. “Don't worry about it.”

“I kind of have to,” David says, dryly, before softening again. “Is it because … I’m sorry, Tommy, I know you don’t want to-”

“It’s fine. Really, don’t worry about it.”

“But, it’s okay if you-”

“David, really, please,” _If you tell him, he’ll leave._

“But I want-” He grabs hold of Tommy’s hand, his thumb pressing tenderly against the tops of Tommy’s knuckles, and sighs. “I want to talk about this. I’m starting to think we need to.”

Tommy swallows. He breathes in, holds it, closes his eyes, and breathes out real slow. _It’s just like in therapy_ , he thinks. Just talk about it, and then decide where to go from there. When he opens his eyes, David is still sitting next to him on the bed, hand in his own, that familiar face as handsome and kind and understanding as ever. Looking at him with those sweet eyes. That look makes Tommy feel afraid, but it makes him want to be brave, too. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

David gives him a moment to continue, but when Tommy can’t bring himself to speak, he shifts a little closer. “You don’t owe me an answer, and I’m not going to demand one, or force you to share something you don’t want to, but I just want to ask, y’know, if there’s anything… causing this?”

Tommy bites the inside of his cheek, takes another deep breath. David takes both of his hands, and Tommy holds onto them for dear life, just in case this is the last time.

“I’m not trying to put you on the spot. I just keep thinking, you know, the way you flinch away after you seem so okay with things… We’ve been together a long time, Tom, and you don’t owe me anything, but if there’s something hurting you-”

“It’sbecauseI’mace.”

David blinks, then blinks again, and Tommy pulls his hands away to wrap his arms around himself.

“I’m asexual. It’s not because of you, or anyone, really. This is just the way I am, I guess.” He wets his lips and swallows. “David, I love you. So much. And I want to make you happy, but I don’t… Maybe one day, years and years from now, sex will be on the table, because _shit happens_ , but for now, and probably forever, it’s just not something that I can give you.”

Tommy watches nervously from the corner of his eye as David nods slowly, obviously taking it in. This is it, he thinks. David is gone. And Tommy is back to being alone, only this time with the added pain of mourning what could’ve been avoided if he’d only stopped being a freak.

David says easily, “That’s alright.”

His head whips towards David in shock, and David closes his eyes against the small gust of wind his superspeed creates. “What?”

David is smiling. It’s only a small smile, the fond one he makes when Tommy is being especially stupid, and it makes Tommy’s chest feel light and tight all at once. “I said that’s alright.” He pulls one of Tommy’s hands into his again, then the other. “You should’ve just told me... Maybe saved us both a lot of worry.”

His face is flushed pink, Tommy can feel it. His face burns for too many reasons, but he’s smiling, too. “I know, I’m sorry… I just didn’t want to risk-” His throat is tight again, and he chokes on the words he wants to say. His smile wobbles.

“Tommy…” David wraps him up in his arms, holds him so tightly it hurts. The kiss he presses to Tommy’s lips is soft, feather-light. “I’m not going anywhere, alright? You couldn’t chase me away.”

“I know.” He chokes around the lump in his throat, and presses his face into David’s shoulder, if only to hide his embarrassment. “I love you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” David’s kisses against his hair always feel so wonderful.

With a bit of difficulty, David rearranges them into a better cuddling position, his back up against the headboard and Tommy’s legs draped over his lap and nose pressed into his neck. He uses one hand to gently rub Tommy’s leg, right by the knee where it feels the best.

Being in David’s lap, pressed this close, knowing that this is all it has to be… Tommy fights another wave of tears. He feels stupid for being so weepy, but he just can’t seem to stop. After all these months of being afraid, of putting this off, it all ended up being so _easy._ Part of him feels relief, and the rest only disbelief.

Tommy cries because he is loved, but he also cries for the fear of losing that love. David might say it’s okay now, but there’s no such thing as a happy ending in life; only a beginning, and then a very long and uncertain middle.

Tommy still feels inadequate, and David’s kisses won’t chase that away. David is still a person with sexual needs and desires, and their love won’t make that go away either. This will mean a lot more talking, a lot more compromises, a lot more big (and little) decisions. It might mean the end of their relationship -- but it might also mean the beginning of spending a very long, fulfilling middle together, devoted to one another for all their lives. It might mean the team one day helping them move their own ugly loveseat into a family room.

Tommy is certain he’s being very dramatic. Luckily, David seems content enough for now to let Tommy cry hard into his chest and be held.

**Author's Note:**

> i have mixed feelings about ending it there, but i think im pretty happy with this overall!
> 
> either way, comment and kudos are a writer's best friends ♡ lemme know what you think!


End file.
